Most difficult conversation

   What is the most difficult conversation you have ever had with a loved one? A lost job? An unplanned pregnancy? A required move? Deployment? There are so many things that we have to tell someone we love that we know will be painful but are necessary.
    I recently had the hardest, to date,  conversation with my husband: When the time comes, I want to be at home, not at hospice, not in the hospital. I want to be surrounded by the ones I love and amongst the things I consider beautiful. I want to be in my bed, in my room, in my house, with my family. I've thought about it for a long time, taking both scenarios into consideration.  Dying at hospice or in the hospital would be helpful to my family: no sad memories, the ability to leave the memory of something painful at the hospital or hospice instead of it being right there every day. I want to do this for them...make it easy for them. But for me, the thought of being somewhere like that, a place made to look like a home but functions as a place for the old and sick to go and die, is terrifying.
    So, I finally did it, I asked Jim how he felt. I told him that I wanted to be at home and with my loved ones. He told me he understood but then said he would sell the house because he couldn't stand to be in it. But I don't want that. I'm afraid that if he sells the house that he will forget about me. The new place he would go to would hold no memories of me and that terrifies me....to be forgotten.
    I continue to search for the right answer. And it may come down to the choice not being my own. In the end, I suppose, that however, wherever it happens, it will be right for me and my family.
Continue to Cherish Every Moment....You never know which one will be your last.


All my love to you.
xoxo

Things are always changing...

Hi everyone,


Day 2 of chemotherapy. It was originally all scheduled for next week but they asked if I would switch because of staffing. I should have said no: Jim is gone for six days but would have been in town for most of next week and my mom had already planned to come.  I guess on a brighter note, Ashleigh will be coming and helping me. Get groceries, meds, run errands for me, and just be there for me emotionally and spiritually. Of course, my little Brayden will be coming too!  I would so love to get Brayden and Ava together. It would be their first encounter!
I am starting a new store with cafepress.com and hope you will share the really cool stuff I plan to have on there with your friends. Even with insurance, medical care for a serious illness can be quite expensive at times plus I am hoping to help others with the profits. I'll post when the store is open!
I hope you have a wonderful afternoon. Tomorrow is Wednesday - halfway to FRIDAY, YAY!!
Cherish every moment and remember how much I love each and every one of you! xoxo

Funky

I can't figure out how to get out of this funk. So much going on. So many people telling me to not do so much. Thing is, if I don't do it, who will?  I have got to get some help. I wish I had a nice swing in the back yard that I could go sit on and swing away my worries. A white one with a cushion so I could lie down if I felt like it. With lots of flowers around.....mmmmm, I can smell them now. The breeze is blowing and with each gust another concern is carried away by it.  I am so tired, so very, very, tired. I have a wonderful family that helps where they can, don't misunderstand me. It is difficult to ask for help when you already feel like a burden though. I hate this horrible disease. I see it take people from loved ones every day. Some I am able to help through the foundation while others get so sick so fast that there is no time. It's so unfair. 
I know that not being allowed to be out in public is getting to me too. Those who know me well know how much I LOVE to shop! Online shopping will have to suffice for now. At least I have that. I want to work in the yard....I still have plants to plant from fall. I'm sure my neighbors are wondering when I'm going to get around to that. LOL!
Hate to sound so depressing but I have to let it out. And if you're willing to listen (or read) then I appreciate you taking the time to understand how my life works.
Love to all and Cherish Every Moment!

Port-a-cath

Wow! Hard to believe it is Friday again.  I finally got my more permanent vein access on Wednesday. It's called a port-a-cath and is surgically implanted into my chest. The procedure was horrific. They kept trying to make me comfortable with drugs but my body has become so accustomed to them that they were not effective in pain management. It was a pretty horrible experience and I'm glad it is over.According to the doctor, it will be somewhat painful for the first few days but will be worth it. The benefit is that I don't have IV tubing coming out of a small hole in either of my arms or chest, thereby, reducing the chance of infection. Also, once the incision where they put it in is healed, I am free to shower, swim, jacuzzi, whatever!! Yay!
I want to thank those of you that have kept me in your thoughts and prayers. It feels so good to know that I am not completely alone and that people care.
Still getting IV fluids every day but I am off of chemo for the next 2 weeks and then back on May 7th. I am going to try and spend that time finding someone who can clean my floors and bathrooms once a week until I finish chemotherapy.  It is just too much for me to handle. I have tried maid agencies but none service my area, so if anyone knows anyone near Kings Mountain, please let me know.
Love to all and remember to Cherish Every Moment! xoxo

Stop reading this right now if you are already in a bad mood....go ahead, click the x in the upper right hand corner.....I wouldn't blame you if you did. 
Okay for those that have stayed, have I told you how much I hate this! This sickness....it sucks everything out of you....it makes you sad, mad, helpless, hopeless.  You have no idea how bad I want it to go away. Just leave. It doesn't have to leave me a note, "Yeah, Elisha, it's been fun (for me) but I'm leaving now." I don't need the note.....just LEAVE!  
I want to be me. The old me.  The me that didn't have to plan my entire life around labwork, drs appointments, PICC line replacements, medicine changes, pain, pain meds (can't drive when I take those).  I had to go to WalMart this evening.  I wonder what the people behind me in line were thinking while I was standing there crying into the bag of wheat bread (sorry Jim). I really feel so horrid that I don't even care. I felt like I just couldn't go on anymore. But I had to find the courage to check out. If I didn't, there would be no groceries. I searched for, and found, a tissue in the bottom of my purse, you know the ones that are clean but all linty from being remanded to the bottom beneath everything else. I somehow regained my composure, paid for everything, and left. 
I start my week of chemotherapy infusion again on Monday.  My doctor, who is absolutely amazing, wants to start again as soon as possible. We were talking and discussing the palliative/hospice care agency at the hospital and how I've made an appointment but not yet gone and that they seem like really nice people when she looks me straight in the eyes and says, "What will your family do when you're gone?" WHOA! Really? Did you really just ask me that? It's not that people who are seriously ill don't think about it....we do....it's just we don't really have a real good answer when asked so bluntly. I heard myself saying, "I don't know" and the rest of the visit was just the motions all doctors make....listen to your lungs, look down your throat, check to see if you have a pulse...you know.
So, there it is. My really crappy day! And I hope those of you who read it realize how much better it made me feel to say it....share it.  And how much better I'll sleep tonight knowing I have people who love me and care about me and wish they could do more for me (believe me, I could really use my floors cleaned right now ;).
I promise, regardless of the days events, that I will Cherish Every Moment and make the best of the moments that aren't so great.And maybe, when you have a really great day, you can say to yourself, "That one is for Liesa/Elisha to take the place of a bad one."
XOXO

Quiet day....so nice.

  What a nice day it has been. No appointments except for the visiting nurse to change the dressing on my PICC (Peripherally Inserted Central Catheter). A peripherally inserted central catheter is a form of IV access. The catheter is inserted in a vein usually located in the arm with the catheter tip terminating in a large vein close to the heart. This is how my fluids, usually normal saline, get into my body to help keep me from getting dehydrated. It is always in my arm and can stay there for many months. Showering is difficult and I have to be careful with it but it is basically the only thing keeping me out of the hospital! So I love it. I am living on that and chocolate flavored Boost! Sometimes I throw a strawberry flavored one in there to shake things up a bit.
  I hope everyone has had a pleasant Monday. I see the doctor tomorrow to have my lab work done and a whole bunch of touchy feely stuff done. Fun. Give an update tomorrow.
  Cherish Every Moment. XOXO

Oh what a night....

   No, not that kind of night. Although that sounds pretty good! My night consisted of waking and not knowing where I was, attempting to get out of bed and go somewhere, anywhere, that might seem familiar and in the process of doing this, falling flat on my face. Good thing Jim was there, right? Wrong! I will share with you a piece of personal information...I sleep in the master bedroom and Jim sleeps in the guest room...every night. Basically, it's because he snores. Now, snoring might not be the appropriate term for what happens while he sleeps.  It is so loud that it actually causes vibrations through the pillows! I have been known to snore some too. I love him and miss sleeping with him but neither of us would get much sleep together. I tell you this only to explain why my husband was not there with me to help me figure out where the hell I was. And, then, lying there on the floor, I have an epiphany! I can text him to come help me! I figure wherever I am, he will be able to tell me my location. Sort of like a husband GPS or a JimJim (TomTom). I laid there, on the floor, for about 10 minutes waiting for my knight in shining armor. Nothing. So I start feeling around to reaquaint myself to my surroundings. And lo and behold I realize I am in my own bedroom! Thank God!  I carefully get up and make my way to the bathroom. It is then that my knight arrives and asks, "Did you text me?"  I burst out laughing and told him yes but I am fine now. I get back in bed and explain to him what happens and he comes and gets in the bed next to me and holds me for awhile. I have got to be the luckiest person in this world. To be loved by someone so much.
  Long story short.....hehe....the new medicines that the pain doctors have prescribed are helping with the pain but now I just can't remember where the heck I am!!! Cherish Every Moment my friends! xoxo