I can't figure out how to get out of this funk. So much going on. So many people telling me to not do so much. Thing is, if I don't do it, who will? I have got to get some help. I wish I had a nice swing in the back yard that I could go sit on and swing away my worries. A white one with a cushion so I could lie down if I felt like it. With lots of flowers around.....mmmmm, I can smell them now. The breeze is blowing and with each gust another concern is carried away by it. I am so tired, so very, very, tired. I have a wonderful family that helps where they can, don't misunderstand me. It is difficult to ask for help when you already feel like a burden though. I hate this horrible disease. I see it take people from loved ones every day. Some I am able to help through the foundation while others get so sick so fast that there is no time. It's so unfair.
I know that not being allowed to be out in public is getting to me too. Those who know me well know how much I LOVE to shop! Online shopping will have to suffice for now. At least I have that. I want to work in the yard....I still have plants to plant from fall. I'm sure my neighbors are wondering when I'm going to get around to that. LOL!
Hate to sound so depressing but I have to let it out. And if you're willing to listen (or read) then I appreciate you taking the time to understand how my life works.
Love to all and Cherish Every Moment!
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Friday, April 20, 2012
Port-a-cath
Wow! Hard to believe it is Friday again. I finally got my more permanent vein access on Wednesday. It's called a port-a-cath and is surgically implanted into my chest. The procedure was horrific. They kept trying to make me comfortable with drugs but my body has become so accustomed to them that they were not effective in pain management. It was a pretty horrible experience and I'm glad it is over.According to the doctor, it will be somewhat painful for the first few days but will be worth it. The benefit is that I don't have IV tubing coming out of a small hole in either of my arms or chest, thereby, reducing the chance of infection. Also, once the incision where they put it in is healed, I am free to shower, swim, jacuzzi, whatever!! Yay!
I want to thank those of you that have kept me in your thoughts and prayers. It feels so good to know that I am not completely alone and that people care.
Still getting IV fluids every day but I am off of chemo for the next 2 weeks and then back on May 7th. I am going to try and spend that time finding someone who can clean my floors and bathrooms once a week until I finish chemotherapy. It is just too much for me to handle. I have tried maid agencies but none service my area, so if anyone knows anyone near Kings Mountain, please let me know.
Love to all and remember to Cherish Every Moment! xoxo
I want to thank those of you that have kept me in your thoughts and prayers. It feels so good to know that I am not completely alone and that people care.
Still getting IV fluids every day but I am off of chemo for the next 2 weeks and then back on May 7th. I am going to try and spend that time finding someone who can clean my floors and bathrooms once a week until I finish chemotherapy. It is just too much for me to handle. I have tried maid agencies but none service my area, so if anyone knows anyone near Kings Mountain, please let me know.
Love to all and remember to Cherish Every Moment! xoxo
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Stop reading this right now if you are already in a bad mood....go ahead, click the x in the upper right hand corner.....I wouldn't blame you if you did.
Okay for those that have stayed, have I told you how much I hate this! This sickness....it sucks everything out of you....it makes you sad, mad, helpless, hopeless. You have no idea how bad I want it to go away. Just leave. It doesn't have to leave me a note, "Yeah, Elisha, it's been fun (for me) but I'm leaving now." I don't need the note.....just LEAVE!
I want to be me. The old me. The me that didn't have to plan my entire life around labwork, drs appointments, PICC line replacements, medicine changes, pain, pain meds (can't drive when I take those). I had to go to WalMart this evening. I wonder what the people behind me in line were thinking while I was standing there crying into the bag of wheat bread (sorry Jim). I really feel so horrid that I don't even care. I felt like I just couldn't go on anymore. But I had to find the courage to check out. If I didn't, there would be no groceries. I searched for, and found, a tissue in the bottom of my purse, you know the ones that are clean but all linty from being remanded to the bottom beneath everything else. I somehow regained my composure, paid for everything, and left.
I start my week of chemotherapy infusion again on Monday. My doctor, who is absolutely amazing, wants to start again as soon as possible. We were talking and discussing the palliative/hospice care agency at the hospital and how I've made an appointment but not yet gone and that they seem like really nice people when she looks me straight in the eyes and says, "What will your family do when you're gone?" WHOA! Really? Did you really just ask me that? It's not that people who are seriously ill don't think about it....we do....it's just we don't really have a real good answer when asked so bluntly. I heard myself saying, "I don't know" and the rest of the visit was just the motions all doctors make....listen to your lungs, look down your throat, check to see if you have a pulse...you know.
So, there it is. My really crappy day! And I hope those of you who read it realize how much better it made me feel to say it....share it. And how much better I'll sleep tonight knowing I have people who love me and care about me and wish they could do more for me (believe me, I could really use my floors cleaned right now ;).
I promise, regardless of the days events, that I will Cherish Every Moment and make the best of the moments that aren't so great.And maybe, when you have a really great day, you can say to yourself, "That one is for Liesa/Elisha to take the place of a bad one."
XOXO
Okay for those that have stayed, have I told you how much I hate this! This sickness....it sucks everything out of you....it makes you sad, mad, helpless, hopeless. You have no idea how bad I want it to go away. Just leave. It doesn't have to leave me a note, "Yeah, Elisha, it's been fun (for me) but I'm leaving now." I don't need the note.....just LEAVE!
I want to be me. The old me. The me that didn't have to plan my entire life around labwork, drs appointments, PICC line replacements, medicine changes, pain, pain meds (can't drive when I take those). I had to go to WalMart this evening. I wonder what the people behind me in line were thinking while I was standing there crying into the bag of wheat bread (sorry Jim). I really feel so horrid that I don't even care. I felt like I just couldn't go on anymore. But I had to find the courage to check out. If I didn't, there would be no groceries. I searched for, and found, a tissue in the bottom of my purse, you know the ones that are clean but all linty from being remanded to the bottom beneath everything else. I somehow regained my composure, paid for everything, and left.
I start my week of chemotherapy infusion again on Monday. My doctor, who is absolutely amazing, wants to start again as soon as possible. We were talking and discussing the palliative/hospice care agency at the hospital and how I've made an appointment but not yet gone and that they seem like really nice people when she looks me straight in the eyes and says, "What will your family do when you're gone?" WHOA! Really? Did you really just ask me that? It's not that people who are seriously ill don't think about it....we do....it's just we don't really have a real good answer when asked so bluntly. I heard myself saying, "I don't know" and the rest of the visit was just the motions all doctors make....listen to your lungs, look down your throat, check to see if you have a pulse...you know.
So, there it is. My really crappy day! And I hope those of you who read it realize how much better it made me feel to say it....share it. And how much better I'll sleep tonight knowing I have people who love me and care about me and wish they could do more for me (believe me, I could really use my floors cleaned right now ;).
I promise, regardless of the days events, that I will Cherish Every Moment and make the best of the moments that aren't so great.And maybe, when you have a really great day, you can say to yourself, "That one is for Liesa/Elisha to take the place of a bad one."
XOXO
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