Stop reading this right now if you are already in a bad mood....go ahead, click the x in the upper right hand corner.....I wouldn't blame you if you did. 
Okay for those that have stayed, have I told you how much I hate this! This sickness....it sucks everything out of you....it makes you sad, mad, helpless, hopeless.  You have no idea how bad I want it to go away. Just leave. It doesn't have to leave me a note, "Yeah, Elisha, it's been fun (for me) but I'm leaving now." I don't need the note.....just LEAVE!  
I want to be me. The old me.  The me that didn't have to plan my entire life around labwork, drs appointments, PICC line replacements, medicine changes, pain, pain meds (can't drive when I take those).  I had to go to WalMart this evening.  I wonder what the people behind me in line were thinking while I was standing there crying into the bag of wheat bread (sorry Jim). I really feel so horrid that I don't even care. I felt like I just couldn't go on anymore. But I had to find the courage to check out. If I didn't, there would be no groceries. I searched for, and found, a tissue in the bottom of my purse, you know the ones that are clean but all linty from being remanded to the bottom beneath everything else. I somehow regained my composure, paid for everything, and left. 
I start my week of chemotherapy infusion again on Monday.  My doctor, who is absolutely amazing, wants to start again as soon as possible. We were talking and discussing the palliative/hospice care agency at the hospital and how I've made an appointment but not yet gone and that they seem like really nice people when she looks me straight in the eyes and says, "What will your family do when you're gone?" WHOA! Really? Did you really just ask me that? It's not that people who are seriously ill don't think about it....we do....it's just we don't really have a real good answer when asked so bluntly. I heard myself saying, "I don't know" and the rest of the visit was just the motions all doctors make....listen to your lungs, look down your throat, check to see if you have a pulse...you know.
So, there it is. My really crappy day! And I hope those of you who read it realize how much better it made me feel to say it....share it.  And how much better I'll sleep tonight knowing I have people who love me and care about me and wish they could do more for me (believe me, I could really use my floors cleaned right now ;).
I promise, regardless of the days events, that I will Cherish Every Moment and make the best of the moments that aren't so great.And maybe, when you have a really great day, you can say to yourself, "That one is for Liesa/Elisha to take the place of a bad one."
XOXO